Hello Wall - Hormonal Heart Poetry

  Reintroducing HRT: Physical Risks and Physical Benefits Potential Physical Benefits Adding oestrogen back into the body can produce several clinically recognised improvements: Improved thermoregulation Oestrogen helps the hypothalamus regulate temperature, reducing hot flushes and heat intolerance. Reduced morning nausea Stable oestrogen levels can calm the GI system and reduce hormone triggered nausea. Better fluid balance Oestrogen can counteract some progesterone related water retention by stabilising aldosterone activity. Improved sleep and energy Oestrogen supports serotonin and melatonin pathways, which can reduce fatigue and improve sleep quality. Reduced joint pain and stiffness Oestrogen has anti inflammatory effects that can reduce musculoskeletal discomfort. Improved cognitive clarity Oestrogen supports acetylcholine and blood flow in the brain, which can reduce fog and improve focus. These benefits occur be...

"When burnout returns, my pilot light switches off" Footnote - This actually reads less like "forgetfulness" and more like a perfect storm of executive function overload.  I cannot control it now, this is what happens.

  My Processing Issues Today Deserve an Olympic Gold Medal I was awake at 5:45am, which was good because it meant I'd actually had some sleep. My spinning class was at 9:45am. I usually leave around 9:30am. Alexa went off at half past, and that's when I realised my Monday gym clothes were still sitting in the washing machine. Not hanging up. Not dry. Just wet. I have exactly two outfits. One was in the washing machine. Luckily, I'd left my spin trousers in my gym bag after my last class. Unfortunately, that was where the luck ended. I had no socks. Well, technically I had socks, but all three pairs had been worn and were now wet in the washing machine. So I ended up wearing Lucy's and Yak thick winter socks. I had no proper top. I threw on a tracksuit jacket. I hadn't sorted a sports bra either. Honestly, it was probably the worst healthy-living outfit I've ever assembled. Before all of that, I'd tried logging into an app I'd somehow logged out of. Then ...

  Joy  (creative writing) This is Joy. Sixteen months ago she was this tiny, tiny just born thing, and now she is Joy. The very meaning of joy. The first time I held her I choked literally and metaphorically. To now ! She makes you laugh. She's funny, she's clever, she's always talking. She just goes about doing her thing, popping the remote control in the bin or chucking it in the washing machine, carrying on with complete confidence as though everything she's doing makes perfect sense. She sweetly blows on her own dinner (My choking fear) . She feeds her self independently. She says, "Whatever you say, whatever you say," then slips back into baby talk before launching into a full conversation. Half the time I have no idea what she's saying, yet somehow we understand each other. We chat away. We converse. We lament. Constantly. And she is joy. But sixteen months ago, the day she was born was also the day of my first therapy session. My childhood PTSD had ...

Art By me This is such a wonderful moment, Alison. You've captured that strange mix of excitement, panic, freedom and disbelief perfectly. I've spell-checked and polished it while keeping your voice and the breathless energy of it all. So excited. I'm packing for a hotel stay all by myself. I've got a luxury hotel night booked just for me. I arrive at three and leave at eleven. Breakfast is included, I've got a two-course dinner included, and I've even booked myself a massage. I've known for just over a week that I was doing this, but somehow I completely forgot to pack my suitcase. Today I carried on as normal, slowly ticking things off the list I'd made myself last night and putting everything on the bed so I could make sure I had everything I needed. I've never done this before. That's why I'm so excited. Usually I've been with my husband, my son, or my daughter in hotel rooms. I've never had a hotel room all to myself. I've ne...

Outfit of the day #OOTD: The outfit that almost was. Today's update is really about the HRT and the glow. I am currently glowing. Oestrogen is water to the garden, and my levels were running so low that, even if this is only temporary, I'm going to bask in the glory because it feels good. I can literally feel it surging all over my body, which is great. For me, it seems to help with all of the things on my ever-growing list of symptoms. Whether I can keep this up, who knows, but for now I'm happy travelling along with the feeling that my body is getting a little bit of false hope, and so is my brain. Benefits - Of Oestrogen - Brain Mood Sleep Bones Heart Skin Joints Muscles Energy Temperature regulation Side effects so far: Headache during the first few days. Cotton mouth, although it's much better than it was. The 1st  10 days , my stomach didn't feel its best. I'm guessing oestrogen affects the bowel and digestive system in some way because everything felt slo...

  Tiny T-Rex Arms  (Memories of Mav) One of my earliest memories of Maverick my Grandson is a nickname we gave him: Sandbag. We stopped using it fairly quickly when we realized it could be interpreted in ways we never intended, but the reason behind it was simple. Maverick couldn't hold himself up. He couldn't support his shoulders, couldn't take much of his own weight, and because he was in pain so much of the time, he spent long periods being carried. When you picked him up, he would simply drape himself over/down you like a little sandbag. At the time it felt like one of those family nicknames that appear out of nowhere. Looking back now, it was actually telling us something. Another phrase I had never heard before Maverick came along was Failure to Thrive . My daughter taught me, F F T Failure To Thrive .  (how Victorian a quote) In a modern day?  At every check-up she took him, verbally constant , it seemed to appear on forms, abbreviated to FTT. The box would b...

  One  - Middle of October (back dated) Burnout Brain: Read All About It  ( Three versions) (Being menopausal I cant remember if I blogged this already) Neurodivergent, Menopausal, No HRT — Taking One Week Off to Reset My brain just won’t work. It won’t spark, it won’t push, and I’m burnt out. I’ve tried everything, but this is how it happens — it switches off. So I’m taking a week off. Outfit of the day will be back next Monday. For now, I’m drawing, resting, and giving my brain a break. In 2006, I was told I was dyslexic after a hard course. That led to “learning difficulties,” which people assumed meant dyslexia. At 43, perimenopause hit me like a bus and knocked me off my perch. I never really got back. I’m progesterone intolerant, and HRT hasn’t worked — I’ve tried it two times. I could do with oestrogen, but hormones are invisible, and that’s the problem. I also have audio processing issues, ADHD, autism combined. I tried CARE ADHD — but there is no care. I was ...

  HRT So Far So Good  - Dairy Entry In regard to the HRT, what will happen? What happened twice before was that I seemed to get an accumulation of what I think was progesterone. That's why I've always wondered whether I have progesterone hypersensitivity. I also think I'm someone who reacts to any hormone change. I am so in tune with my body. I can tell when something is different. The thing that happened before was with progesterone tablets. I took them consecutively, then I tried taking them more spread out. Later, I had separate patches. Now I have a combined patch containing both oestrogen and progesterone. I'm not sure what percentage of each is in it. I'll need to check. What happened before felt as though there was a build-up. It felt like so much progesterone had gone into my system that it almost shut me down. My brain felt like it wasn't working properly. Whether that was actually what was happening, or whether that was simply how it felt to me, I don...

  Embrace the Grey  (OG) It's so cool now to see so much grey hair. These days, you see grey everywhere, the way you used to see blonde or brown. Years ago, you hardly ever saw women embracing their natural grey hair, but now it feels normal. And I am one of those women. I went grey when I was 43. That was ten years ago. I feel proud when I see other women choosing to stop colouring their hair because, for so long, society told us we had to cover every grey strand. We were taught that ageing was something to hide. Well, I am proud to be grey. I am proud of my curls. I am proud of my hair. And I am proud to have been part of this movement. There was a time when having grey hair made me stand out. Now it's become so popular that sometimes I blend in, but that's a wonderful thing. It means more women feel comfortable being themselves. Maybe I wasn't at the forefront of a movement, but I certainly felt like one of the early adopters. Ten years ago, embracing grey wasn't...

( AI art - misinterpretation for a children's Kite, not a bird of prey) The Kite and the Pigeon Watching a kite dance with a pigeon, it just seems so mean. Yet it also seems so much like life and the pecking order. They say kites only eat roadkill and other dead things. They do not hunt for fun, but they tease, chase, and drive other birds away. I do not know whether they ever frighten a pigeon so badly that it dies from fear. Watching the pigeon flap its wings as fast as it can to escape, while the kite circles overhead with effortless ease, simply because it can, feels like a metaphor for so many things in life. Sometimes, things happen not because they must, but simply because they can. The dance of the kite and the pigeon is both cruel and beautiful. They truly are magnificent. Footnote An observation whist driving.  AI praise for my metaphor -  A kite circling a pigeon has a completely different feel. It's actually quite a powerful metaphor: The pigeon = everyday life, ...

ND Over sharing I'm not really learning but I will try say less. 1. The realisation I’m learning to stop giving people my whole life story. The ND instinct to explain everything is strong, but it’s not always needed. 2. The friend moment A friend apologized for “verbal diarrhoea ,” and it made me laugh out loud, because we’ve always had Verbal diarrhoea (also known as Neurodivergent sharing) 3. The message problem I tried replying, and of course it turned into a novel. I used AI to cut it down, then cut it again, and suddenly it didn’t make sense anymore. Editing ND communication is its own sport. 4. The question How much information does someone actually need? Do they need the whole backstory? Or just the point? 5. The conclusion I’m trying to reassure people without oversharing. I’m using AI to de‑fluff my messages so I don’t send my entire autobiography every time I reply. Footnote  I’m learning to stop oversharing. A friend apologised for “verbal diarrhoea,”...

  Draft: The Emotional Labour of Female Pleasure — A Story From One Woman’s Perspective In a recent podcast, a guest spoke about how many women, especially those who grew up in the 1970s and 1980s, were taught that sexual pleasure was something designed for men. She explained that she didn’t learn accurate information about female anatomy until adulthood — including the fact that the clitoris wasn’t widely represented in mainstream education or media until surprisingly late. She plans to double check the exact dates, but the point remains: women were not given the knowledge they needed. She described the emotional load — the “mother load” — of sexual labour. Women were often taught to prioritize a partner’s feelings, to worry about whether he felt good, whether the experience was “successful,” and whether avoiding conflict mattered more than their own comfort. Many women of her generation learned to perform emotional reassurance during intimacy, because they had been ra...

  Q&A: The Hidden History of Female Pleasure — And What Happens When You Flip the Rules Q: You said menopause reshaped your understanding of your own body. What was the first thing you realised? A: “That we were never taught any of this.” Women of my generation grew up with sex education that focused on reproduction and male desire. Pleasure wasn’t discussed. Anatomy wasn’t explained. We entered adulthood without language for our own bodies. Q: Why was female pleasure left out? A: It wasn’t an accident. Popular culture blames the Victorians, but modern research shows nineteenth century medical texts actually contained a range of views on female sexuality. The real erasure happened later. In the twentieth century, the idea that vaginal orgasm was the “proper” female response became dominant. That belief sidelined the clitoris and shaped decades of sex education. Q: What did that mean for women growing up in the 70s and 80s? A: Emotional labour. Women were taught t...

  Short Essay (Interview Style): The Hidden History of Female Pleasure and the Emotional Labour Women Carry When I interviewed a woman in her early fifties about how menopause reshaped her understanding of her own body, she began with a simple observation: “We were never taught any of this.” Her story echoes a wider pattern. For many women who grew up in the 1970s and 1980s, sex education focused almost entirely on reproduction and male desire. Female pleasure — and the anatomy that makes it possible — was barely mentioned. She described how she and her peers entered adulthood without accurate terminology for their own bodies, and without any cultural permission to talk about what felt good. This silence wasn’t accidental. It has deep historical roots. Popular culture often blames the Victorian era for repressing female sexuality, but modern scholarship shows the truth is more complicated. Research published in Signs: Journal of Women in Culture and Society explains that n...

  Midlife: What Have You Learned? You’ve learned that good things don’t magically arrive . They don’t fall into laps. They don’t knock politely. They don’t wait their turn. Good things come to people who know their worth — and act on it. Not people who hope they’re worthy. People who claim it. You’re realizing that you didn’t know your worth for most of your life. You didn’t know what was “good.” You didn’t know what was “yours.” You didn’t know what you could take, choose, demand, build. So yes — some good things passed you by. Not because you weren’t deserving. But because you weren’t taught to recognize them, or to reach for them. That’s not failure. That’s conditioning. The Love Equation You’re Trying to Solve You wrote: If the equation was love equals money equals worth equals wealth equals decisions equals together, I scored minus. But Alison — that equation was never real. It’s a myth women were handed: Love = stability Love = financial safety Love = shared decisions Love ...

The Love Equation ( You’re Trying to Solve) Angry Voice Note - Creative writing. The Love Equation You’re Trying to Solve You wrote: If the equation was love equals money equals worth equals wealth equals decisions equals together, I scored minus. But Alison — that equation was never real. It’s a myth women were handed: Love = stability Love = financial safety Love = shared decisions Love = a future Love = a life Except it isn’t. Love is love . Everything else is infrastructure — and infrastructure requires power, choice, agency, and self‑worth. You had love. You didn’t have the infrastructure. That’s not a minus. That’s a mismatch. You got 100% in the love class. But the world doesn’t reward love with life outcomes, you have to create and take those. Waiting patiently for reward, for dues, for fairness, for life — it will pass you by.

  Spoken‑Word: The Love Equation Q: Midlife — what have you learned? A: I learned that good things don’t come to people who don’t know they’re good. They come to the ones who know their worth, name their worth, take their worth. I learned that waiting is a trap, and hoping is a habit, and silence is a thief. I learned that love doesn’t equal money, doesn’t equal worth, doesn’t equal wealth, doesn’t equal a life built together. I tried to solve that equation and scored minus. Because if love was just love, I got a hundred percent. Top of the class. Full marks. But love alone doesn’t build a life. It just fills the room while everything else collapses. So what have I learned? That the equation was wrong. That the maths was rigged. That love is beautiful but it isn’t currency. And midlife is the moment you stop trying to buy a future with a heart.

  THE NEURODIVERGENT MENOPAUSE DECISION WHEEL (text blueprint rough decision wheel) CENTRE OF THE WHEEL: YOU — your lived experience + your body + your brain Around the wheel are the segments. Each segment has a YES → arrow → next segment and a NO → arrow → alternative path . 🟣 SEGMENT 1 — Childhood Trauma Question: Did you experience childhood trauma, instability, neglect, fear, or hypervigilance before age 7? YES → go to Segment 2 NO → skip to Segment 4 🔵 SEGMENT 2 — Hypervigilance & Brain Development Outcome: Childhood trauma often rewires the developing brain. This can create lifelong hypervigilance, emotional regulation issues, and sensory overload. YES (this is you) → go to Segment 3 NO → skip to Segment 4 🟢 SEGMENT 3 — Neurodivergence Likely Outcome: Trauma + hypervigilance increases likelihood of: Dyslexia APD ADHD Autism (AuDHD) Masking Nervous system dysregulation YES (diagnosed or suspected) → go to Segment 4 NO → go to Segment 5 🟡 SEGMENT 4 — P...

  ❤️ Menopausing: My Neurodivergent Equation I’ve been “menopausing” long before I knew the word. Advocating for a Neurodivergent menopause without realising that’s what I was doing. So I wrote my life as an equation — a formula that finally explains why my treatment plan can’t be “one size fits all.” THE EQUATION + Hypervigilance Gained in childhood. No real memory before age seven. A nervous system wired to scan, react, survive. + Dyslexia (2006) Misunderstood for years. Later revealed to be APD — auditory processing disorder — completely missed. = Mask + Smile My lifelong coping mechanism. Jump forward 40+ years… + Heating system failure Hypothalamus misfiring. Front cortex overloaded. Either burning 🔥 or freezing 🥶 — no regulation. + Perimenopause Everything came undone. Symptoms multiplied. Neurodivergence intensified. = Neurodivergence (full spectrum) Not just dyslexia. Not just APD. Not just ADHD. AuDHD — Autism + ADHD — the full picture. And then the multiplier: × Loss...

Diary Entry — One Fact Remains True In life one fact remains true: you have to move, or nothing changes. So I’m writing this down as a reminder to myself: If I want change, I have to move. If I want a different future, I have to step toward it. If I want to feel alive again, I have to stop waiting for permission. One fact remains true. You have to move, or nothing changes.