The Emotional Labour of Female Pleasure

 

Draft: The Emotional Labour of Female Pleasure — A Story From One Woman’s Perspective

In a recent podcast, a guest spoke about how many women, especially those who grew up in the 1970s and 1980s, were taught that sexual pleasure was something designed for men. She explained that she didn’t learn accurate information about female anatomy until adulthood — including the fact that the clitoris wasn’t widely represented in mainstream education or media until surprisingly late. She plans to double check the exact dates, but the point remains: women were not given the knowledge they needed.

She described the emotional load — the “mother load” — of sexual labour. Women were often taught to prioritize a partner’s feelings, to worry about whether he felt good, whether the experience was “successful,” and whether avoiding conflict mattered more than their own comfort. Many women of her generation learned to perform emotional reassurance during intimacy, because they had been raised to believe that men’s satisfaction was central.

She talked about how this mindset traces back to Victorian attitudes, when women’s pleasure was dismissed or even discouraged. Before that era, women were understood to be just as sexual as men, but the cultural shift made female desire invisible. That legacy still affects women today.

The guest also reflected on how little practical information she received growing up. She wasn’t taught about anatomy, pleasure, or consent. She didn’t learn correct terminology for female genitalia — something many women only discovered in the last decade. She pointed out how strange it is that generations of girls were raised without accurate language for their own bodies.

She also highlighted how medical experiences can shape a woman’s relationship with her body. Procedures like smear tests, childbirth, or internal examinations can be physically and emotionally difficult, especially when women were never taught what their anatomy actually is or how it works.

She noted that many women ten years older than her were raised to “lie back and think of England,” a phrase that still shocks her. It symbolizes how deeply women were conditioned to disconnect from their own bodies and prioritize someone else’s expectations.

She emphasized how important it is that modern media finally shows female pleasure, anatomy, and consent openly. She said she wishes this had existed when she was younger, because she spent years learning by accident, without guidance, and without support.

Finally, she mentioned that during menopause she discovered something unexpected: pleasure can genuinely help with emotional well being. It can lift mood, reduce tension, and ease certain symptoms. She believes women deserve to know this — not because pleasure must “fix” anything, but because understanding your own body is part of health, autonomy, and dignity.

Her story is one example of how many women grew up without information, without language, and without permission to understand themselves. She hopes younger generations will never have to unlearn what she did.

Footnote-

These three blog posts were all inspired by the book "Flick" by Kate Lister. I heard the author speaking on a podcast, and it resonated deeply with the themes I’ve been exploring. It’s fascinating how a single story can spark so many reflections on our own lives.