Q&A: The Hidden History of Female Pleasure — And What Happens When You Flip the Rules

Q: You said menopause reshaped your understanding of your own body. What was the first thing you realised? A: “That we were never taught any of this.” Women of my generation grew up with sex education that focused on reproduction and male desire. Pleasure wasn’t discussed. Anatomy wasn’t explained. We entered adulthood without language for our own bodies.

Q: Why was female pleasure left out? A: It wasn’t an accident. Popular culture blames the Victorians, but modern research shows nineteenth century medical texts actually contained a range of views on female sexuality. The real erasure happened later. In the twentieth century, the idea that vaginal orgasm was the “proper” female response became dominant. That belief sidelined the clitoris and shaped decades of sex education.

Q: What did that mean for women growing up in the 70s and 80s? A: Emotional labour. Women were taught to prioritise a partner’s satisfaction, avoid conflict, and perform reassurance. Many of us learned to manage someone else’s feelings during intimacy — often at the cost of our own comfort.

Q: If men had been given those same rules, how do you think they would have reacted? A: Historically, men were never asked to carry that emotional load. If they had been told:

• your pleasure is secondary,

• your comfort is optional,

• your role is to perform and reassure, there would have been outrage. Men would have described it as being used, ignored, or devalued — because that’s exactly what it feels like when your own experience is treated as less important.

The difference is that women were told this was normal.

Q: How did medical experiences play into this? A: Smear tests, internal exams, childbirth — all of these can feel invasive when you’ve never been taught what your anatomy actually is. Women ten years older than me were raised on the phrase “lie back and think of England.” That still shocks me. It’s a cultural shorthand for female passivity.

Q: What changed for you during menopause? A: Learning. Reading, research, and open conversation finally gave me language for sensations I’d always had but never understood. Pleasure became part of wellbeing — not a taboo topic, not something to apologise for.

Q: Why does this matter for younger generations? A: Because they deserve better. They deserve accurate anatomy, open conversation, and permission to understand their own bodies. They deserve to grow up without the emotional labour that shaped so many women’s lives.

Footnote-

These three blog posts were all inspired by the book "Flick" by KATE LISTER. I heard the author speaking on a podcast, and it resonated deeply with the themes I’ve been exploring. It’s fascinating how a single story can spark so many reflections on our own lives.