SHORT POEM — “To All My Friends Who Went Before”
To all my friends who went before,
the ones I carried as far as I could,
the ones I left without a goodbye
because goodbye was always too sharp for me.
Hello was easy.
Hello was my language.
Goodbye was the part I never learned.
Remember when —
a patchwork of people who shaped me,
stitched from smiles, sharp tongues,
laughs, time, kindness,
neurodiverse me passing through,
carrying as many as I could
until they began to drop
and this whirlwind stepped forward
taking whoever she could hold.
I don’t always remember names,
but I never forget faces
or kind actions.
If I’ve forgotten,
it’s not because you weren’t relevant —
I just need a prompt or two.
A READER OF FACES. A GIFT-GIVER — NOT MONEY, BUT HELP. WHATEVER WAS NEEDED. SELFLESS, OR MAYBE SELFISH, BECAUSE I ALWAYS MOVED ON.
ALISON’S FRIENDSHIP TIMELINE (Born 1973)
(A WIP so if your not there you will be?)
1973–1978 — Nursery (0–5)
Nursery: no memory. Early life is a blur — brothers, odd cousins
1978–1981 — Infants (5–8)
Infants is flashes and fragments. School, moments, Michelle & Terri Neighbor, Melanie & Antony mum's friends, Katherine, Nasserine, with yellow string in her ears, and her flower nose ring just a little girl a tropical flower. Early school nothingness ? Erica - Funnily many Erica's to come.
1981 — Age 8 — The Divorce, The Move, The Shock
This is the year everything changed. The divorce. The move. The PTSD that stamped itself into my nervous system.
This is when Auntie Belinda and Hayley stepped in.
Belinda — my first true love in the world.
She was 13–14 when I was 8,
and 16–17 when I was 11.
The ages line up exactly.
She was the first person who made me feel.
1981–1984 — Juniors (8–11)
Whitley School: Claire & Debbie or Debbie McDonald ? and Claire a threesome did not work, why did i never learn that, fall back and catch but they loved Duran Duran and I had fun I think with them, one on one.
The years where I learned to read faces better than books.
The years where I survived by watching, not speaking.
1984–1989 — Secondary School (11–16)
Emma, Emma, Claire again, Carla Kaya ? (Eliza) if only I was clever! - Cross over.
Richard Nelson, age 13, asked me to marry him in history — note written in the margins.
Mrs McMahon for trying to call me out as I rebelled "Sweet FA".
In between here - Adam, Natalie, Nigel (Tuna packaging crossover)
1989–1991 — 16–18 (College / City & Guilds)
Sandra and Gillian — the “perfect wife” course.
City & Guilds Family and Community Care.
We were girls learning how to be women.
(Gillian from "Dorothy Perkins" with Shanice the same age as Courtney)
Boss or college / but I liked her , Married to Dennis ?
1991–1994 — Aylesbury (Age 18–21)
I took Carmen and Nicola with me.
The Sharons, the Karens, Louise & Mo the then Paris shoes collective.
Du’Ville (Irish) — helped me when I didn’t have a car, we got a tattoo togther, just like you do? my lady bird.
Niamh and her husband Colm — dark-fairy energy, near-black hair, quiet protector.
1995 — Marriage & Gemma (Age 22)
I got married in 1995.
Gemma, my mum’s neighbour — she was 14 when I was 20.
Sister from another mister.
She came to my wedding.
Our paths crossed exactly when they were meant to.
1994–2004 — Back to Woodley (Age 21–31)
Kerry, Becky, Lindsay. New Look
Nicola, Emma, so many more.
The Saturday girls — full of life, choices, futures.
I worked that job for 10 years, two five year stints (Sweden in the middle).
Becky — first met age 2 in a friends neighbour’s garden, sandpit and bunches.
2000–2004 — Access to Art (Age 27–31)
Teresa and Angela — my art crew.
Penny —
Dyslexia, learning difficulties, a multi-choice paper I guessed and winged — and still got a place.
Creativity carried me.
2005–2011 — Sweden (Age 32–38)
Sweden was full. Too full. My life overflowed with people:
Karin and Lena (knit café)
The American expat circle (Many no names but one)
Maggie
Emma — sister-in-law, best friend by choice
Doctor Jenny B — I went to her children’s christening
Gunilla
Tove - all the Swedes, so many l lovely people I met.
I didn’t know how to step away.
Oestrogen helped me cope — read the room, offer a coffee, be kind.
My heart was my therapy.
Family treated me like a weekend tour guide.
Two countries, two identities.
My best time — the best me — before I knew about neurodiversity and the cost.
2005–2011 — International School (overlapping Sweden)
Kim
Nikki
Danielle, The Jelly bear lovely bunch entwined.
Celine — thank you for you, and for baby Eduxie, baby Joyfulness
Saturnus coffee-shop elite
American mum with baby Eric (he was a Joy)
Tina — beautiful German Tina.
Angela, Tracy (Down to earth British traveled friends)
Anita Knowledgable and calm.
Australians — Wendy, Kerrith
so many wonderful acquaintances i met at the school not a day went by without a story and an understanding. Israel Yhalyli
Everyone thought I was Australian,to start, not British a lot of Pomp and ceremony from the Brits at the international school, very rolling for the words silver spoon energy. Which I loved but didn't have.
2011 — Leaving Sweden (Age 38)
Too many people to carry.
Too many identities.
I took only a few with me — because that’s all I could hold, Kim and Nikki.
2011–2015 — Back in the UK (Age 38–42)
Re-settling.
Re-balancing.
Understanding my bandwidth.
Understanding why goodbyes hurt and hellos were easy.
2015 — Janine (Age 42)
Janine — my witchy wife.
Losing Dan at 36 was just awful, but I gained Janine.
We could literally be sister-wives for our love of each other and creativity.
2015–2020 — Liz (Age 42–47)
Liz — soulmate from another life.
Her partner Joseph, the New Zealander who joked about making a British tea.
We met across a rail of clothes — instant connection.
Her vintage Vans, her beautiful smile.
She moved away with her young family as I mine grow.
Life's current's pulling each of us in different directions.
I was honored to be the first to meet her second baby, Samuel.
I’m surrounded by things she made. Permanent memory. I miss her.
2020–2026 — Now (Age 47–53)
I understand my neurodiversity.
I understand my bandwidth.
I carry fewer people now — but deeper.
I have paused
And So — Hello, Thank You, Goodbye
To all my friends who went before:
thank you for being part of my journey,
for whatever time you were in it,
for whatever you gave,
for whatever I gave back.
Hello.
Thank you.
Goodbye.
(Maybe we will meet again)
To all my friends who went before, the ones I carried as far as I could, the ones I left without a goodbye because goodbye was always too sharp for me. Hello was easy. Hello was my language. Goodbye was the part I never learned. Remember when — a patchwork of people who shaped me, stitched from smiles, sharp tongues, laughs, time, kindness, neurodiverse me passing through, carrying as many as I could until they began to drop and this whirlwind stepped forward taking whoever she could hold. I don’t always remember names, but I never forget faces or kind actions. If I’ve forgotten, it’s not because you weren’t relevant — I just need a prompt or two. A READER OF FACES. A GIFT-GIVER — NOT MONEY, BUT HELP. WHATEVER WAS NEEDED. SELFLESS, OR MAYBE SELFISH, BECAUSE I ALWAYS MOVED ON. ALISON’S FRIENDSHIP TIMELINE (Born 1973) 1973–1978 — Nursery (0–5) Nursery: no memory. Early life is a blur — brothers, Melanie, Katherine, Nasserine. 1978–1981 — Infants (5–8) Infants is flashes and fragments. School, moments, nothing whole. 1981 — Age 8 — The Divorce, The Move, The Shock This is the year everything changed. The divorce. The move. The PTSD that stamped itself into my nervous system. This is when Auntie Belinda and Haley stepped in. Belinda — my first love in the world. She was 13–14 when I was 8, and 16–17 when I was 11. The ages line up exactly. She was the first person who made me feel held, safe, chosen. 1981–1984 — Juniors (8–11) Whitley School: Claire, Debbie, Claire, Debbie. The years where I learned to read faces better than books. The years where I survived by watching, not speaking. 1984–1989 — Secondary School (11–16) Emma, Emma, Claire again. Richard and Paul who always made me laugh. Richard Nelson, age 13, asked me to marry him in history — note written in the margins. Mrs McMahon trying to make me follow rules I never understood. 1989–1991 — 16–18 (College / City & Guilds) Sandra and Gillian — the “perfect wife” course. City & Guilds Family and Community Care. We were girls learning how to be women. 1991–1994 — Aylesbury (Age 18–21) I took Carmen and Nicola with me. The Sharons, the Karens, the Paris shoes. D’Ville (Iris) — helped me when I didn’t have a car. Niamh and her husband Colm — dark-fairy energy, near-black hair, quiet protector. 1995 — Marriage & Gemma (Age 22) I got married in 1995. Gemma, my mum’s neighbour — she was 14 when I was 20. Sister from another mister. She came to my wedding. Our paths crossed exactly when they were meant to. 1994–2004 — Back to Woodley (Age 21–31) Kerry, Becky, Lindsay. Nicola, Emma, so many more. The Saturday girls — full of life, choices, futures. I worked that job for 10 years. Becky — first met age 2 in a neighbour’s garden, sandpit and bunches. 2000–2004 — Access to Art (Age 27–31) Teresa and Angela — my art crew. Penny — in and out like a tide. Dyslexia, learning difficulties, a multi-choice paper I guessed and winged — and still got a place. Creativity carried me. 2005–2011 — Sweden (Age 32–38) Sweden was full. Too full. My life overflowed with people: Karin and Lena (knit café) The American expat circle Maggie Emm — sister-in-law, best friend by choice Doctor Jenny B — I went to her children’s christening Gunilla Tove (the sweets) I didn’t know how to step away. Oestrogen helped me cope — read the room, offer a coffee, be kind. My heart was my therapy. Family treated me like a weekend tour guide. Two countries, two identities. My best time — the best me — before I knew about neurodiversity and the cost. 2005–2011 — International School (overlapping Sweden) Kim Nikki Celine — thank you for you, and for baby Eduxie, baby Joy Saturnus coffee-shop elite American mum with baby Eric Tina — beautiful German Tina Angela, Tracy Australians — Wendy, Kerry-with-a-K Everyone thought I was Australian. 2011 — Leaving Sweden (Age 38) Too many people to carry. Too many identities. I took only a few with me — because that’s all I could hold. 2011–2015 — Back in the UK (Age 38–42) Re-settling. Re-balancing. Understanding my bandwidth. Understanding why goodbyes hurt and hellos were easy. 2015 — Janine (Age 42) Janine — my witchy wife. Losing Dan at 36 was awful, but I gained Janine. We could literally be sister-wives for our love of each other and creativity. 2015–2020 — Liz (Age 42–47) Liz — soulmate from another life. Her partner Joseph, the New Zealander who joked about making a British tea. We met across a rail of clothes — instant connection. Her vintage Vans, her beautiful smile. She moved away with her young family as I became a grandmother. Our timings crossed. Our bandwidths didn’t match. I was honoured to be the first to meet her second baby, Samuel. I’m surrounded by things she made. Permanent memory. 2020–2026 — Now (Age 47–53) I understand my neurodiversity. I understand my bandwidth. I carry fewer people now — but deeper. The ones who remain will likely stay for life. And So — Hello, Thank You, Goodbye To all my friends who went before: thank you for being part of my journey, for whatever time you were in it, for whatever you gave, for whatever I gave back. Hello. Thank you. Goodbye.
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