“My Body Kept Score”

Content Note

This piece touches on body‑held trauma connected to PTSD, PMDD, and CPAM. It’s written from lived experience, not diagnosis, and explores how the body remembers what the mind was never told.

“My Body Kept Score”

All of it shrouded in PMDD,

drenched, drenching,

my daughter and her son,

Maverick George.

Left side, left lung,

CPAM diagnosis,

hydrops,

mirror syndrome —

they both drowned before they breathed.

Swelling past 26 weeks,

preeclampsia,

a C section that was a disaster,

a birth that started with a collapsed lung.

Choking,

aspirating,

pneumonia after pneumonia,

RSV, holidays spent in hospital corridors.

Thickener level three,

partial lung removal,

constant monitoring,

permanent antibiotics,

screaming in pain,

the fear of choking every day.

A nebuliser almost given by a GP

that would have collapsed his lung.

Terrible hospital experiences.

X ray after X ray after X ray.

And then it settled.

For a while...

Until last April,

when his bowel impacted and we lived

in and out of hospital

for four months —

pain, discomfort,

on repeat.

(my poor daughter and my amazing son-in-law)

Today he is happy, healthy,

a thickener boy with a full laugh.

But it still hurts.

It hurt me in a way I can’t undo.

Now another grandchild is coming

and I am so afraid,

not of illness,

but of the memories waking up again.

I’ve moved forward,

but it’s still present.

I don’t want to hand my fear to anyone else.

PTSD, maybe, for sure.

Or just the truth:

my Pandora’s childhood box flipped open

and no matter how hard I tried,

my body kept score.

Footnote: written as a voice note on 31st May 2025, when I felt like my metaphorical back was going to break and I couldn’t step into my happy future. It’s funny how everyone can have an infinite amount of trauma, and you can keep the lid on it for years, but when the vessel fills, it can’t be contained any more. (I spilled out)

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