To Pee or Not to Pee

 

To Pee or Not to Pee

To pee or not to pee —

that is the question I never knew.

This is about finding out

that you never know

when you need to go to the toilet

or you don’t.

I’ve never really had the sensation

of needing to wee.

I think it was something I always did

with my children when they were young,

because I don’t really remember being a child

and dealing with this problem.

I think I did wet the bed late,

but then I had a lot of childhood stuff going on,

so I just put it down to that.

As an adult,

I think I would just go to the toilet

when everybody else did —

just for the sake of going.

It never occurred to me

until a few years back

that I would suggest you went to the toilet

before we left the house.

You know —

you’d go in the morning or at night,

but I never really had the feeling

of needing to go.

And then it gets worse, my story.

Around my 30s,

I kept getting to the front door after a run,

putting the key in the lock,

and I would have the let down action —

where I’d almost wet myself on the doorstep.

If I’m really honest,

I actually did wet myself on the doorstep.

So I had a surgery,

a procedure where they filled my bladder

to see if it was full.

They were trying to say

I had convinced my bladder

that when the tiniest bit of urine was in it,

it was “full.”

While they’re doing this,

I’m telling them,

“I can’t feel it.

I can’t feel it.

I don’t know.”

And then I’m looking at the picture,

looking at their faces,

and I figure out

that should be a full bladder.

So I answered the question.

They sent me away.

Then I had to have some corrective

scar tissue manipulation.

Yeah — sounds as bad as it was.

It wasn’t until about five years ago

that I realised this is a me thing.

I’ll never have known

when I needed the toilet or I don’t.

And here’s the other side of it:

sometimes the urgency is so quick

that if I don’t go immediately,

I go.

I get caught short

as I try to tip toe my pee

to the bathroom.

This only happens at home.

Out of the house,

it never happens.

When I lie down,

there’s no sensation at all —

just part of the sleep ritual,

waking at 4 a.m. thinking,

“I should go,”

but not knowing if I actually need to.

Sometimes a waterfall flows,

sometimes a trickle that barely goes.

I have no link

between pee and bladder and brain.

And I didn’t realise that

until probably 48,

when I had time to slow down

and take account of things.

I realised

I never knew.

Random ramble —

but I’m learning every day about myself.

Such a shame

I had to learn the hard way.

Footnote:The ND link — in my meaning

A lot of ND people describe something very similar:

• Body signals that don’t show up

• Signals that show up too late

• Signals that show up all at once

• Signals that only appear in certain environments

• Signals that don’t match the situation

• Needing routines instead of sensations

• Learning by copying others, not by feeling the cue