The Feuille — The Realisation
The truth is, I always knew the job failed me.
I knew it wasn’t my fault.
I knew something was wrong long before I had the language for it.
But learning about my ND disability —
the dyslexia,
the expressive language loops,
the repetitive language patterns,
the executive function dropouts,
the inability to retain information —
that’s the part I never knew was me.
I never realised how much I had covered myself
by always watching,
always learning on the go,
always seeing,
always doing.
That was my survival system.
My workaround.
My mask.
And in that charity shop,
I came undone.
Left alone.
Expected to remember what I cannot remember.
Expected to follow instructions I cannot hold.
Expected to perform a version of competence
that only exists when someone shows me first.
I lost my confidence there.
I was snowed under with reasons —
burnout,
loneliness (no one to learn from),
perimenopause,
the pressure to cope,
the pressure to be fine (while juggling the Mother load),
the pressure to be someone I’m not.
I do feel bad about how I left the shop.
But I don’t feel bad about how they left me.
My scale — the balance of right and wrong —
finally makes sense.
It’s wild how hindsight clears the fog.
How standing still lets you see the whole picture.
How learning about my own learning loop 🔁
has blown my mind open.
In the end —
it wasn’t just the job.
It was the mismatch between who I am
and what they expected me to be.
And now I know.
Now I see it.
Now I understand myself
in a way I never did before.
That’s the nutshell.
That’s the round up.
That’s the truth I didn’t have then
but finally have now.
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